Where do I Go From Here
by SlyrPrincess
Summary: R for language. From Buffy's P.O.V. She's on the verge of a breakdown, right after the camera stopped on 'Chosen.'


Title: Where do I go from here?  
  
Rate: R (bad language, naughty me)  
  
Summary: Buffy. Just a peek inside her mind immediately after the events of Chosen  
  
Disclaimer: if I owned Btvs, I would never have ended it this way. But I don't.   
  
Joss does. What can I say?  
  
Reviews: Yes please  
  
—first fic. Please be nice. This is mainly a look inside of Buffy's head, as I see it.   
  
It's thoughts all jumbled together. Kinda babbly. I tried.  
  
Ah Fun, staring at the crater of what used to be my home, Sunnydale.   
  
Okay. So, what do I still have on my mental-to-do-list?  
  
1. Go into Hellmouth: Check  
  
2. Kick some ubervamp (is that right) ass: check, check, check  
  
3. Deal with the First: Check  
  
4. Save Spike from that stupid pendant:  
  
5. Tell Spike I love him: check. Only he didn't believe me  
  
6. Save my friends: check. Except for Spike and Anya..so kina check, but not.   
  
7. Smile for everyone: check  
  
Okay, very good! Everthing check!  
  
"Buffy you ready to go?"  
  
"Yeah, Dawn, in a minute." Well feet, let's get going. Turn around and grin some more   
  
like a fucking idiot. God, how can Xander be so calm? I mean, Anya just died and the way   
  
they seemed before this mess, it looked like things were looking up for them, oh well.  
  
Into the bus I go. Everyone's so happy to be alive. Yeah. They wouldn't be alive if it weren't  
  
for Spike. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had decided to acknowledge the fact   
  
that I loved Spike. I mean, before he left for his soul. Or even after. Like what if   
  
after I slept in his arms, i said, "I love you." I mean, would he have believed me, then? Not   
  
answered, "No you don't." Asshole! Houw could he say such a thing! He waited for years for me  
  
to say those exact words, and he says, "No you don't." Okay, so the world ending kinda setting,  
  
I can understand him, but still!  
  
What the fuck!!ugh....If only I hadn't been denial Buffy and ignored what I felt. Even when  
  
I saw Angel, I couldn't deny how I felt for Spike! So, if I could fess up to Angel,why couldn't I   
  
have done the same to Spike? Stupid, stupid, Buffy! Now it's too late.  
  
Where do I go from here? Do I go down the road I know that I should go? Keep on being Buffy,   
  
happy Buffy. Should I go find Angel and tell him I'm all finished baking and be happy with him   
  
forever and ever in my little cookie jar? If I do that, he'll bite into my cookies and realize   
  
they taste like salt.Ya know why? Because Spike should be the one eating me! I mean, my cookies.  
  
He'll realize that I didn't make myself, my cookies for him...that sounds strange. But it's true.   
  
I didn't make my cookies for Angel or Riley, or anyone else for that matter. I only made them   
  
for Spike. I-  
  
"Buffy, we have got to find a mall! All my clothes are obviously ashes, just like   
  
everyone else's!" Dawnie says.  
  
"Yeah, Dawn. Mall. Sounds great! We could even go clubbing!" I say, smiling. Funny, how  
  
everyone smiles and agrees. Damn them complaining about their clothes begin ashes. You know what   
  
else turned into ashes, the man I love!So ha! Beat that! I can't go shopping for another one of   
  
those, can I? And clubbing? I was not serious about that! Oh yeah, sure, let me casually slip into   
  
the club with my friends and think about Spike.Watch the couples dance and think,'oh that could've   
  
been me and Spike, if he hadn't decided to save the world'? HA! No fucking way! Nonono! Should   
  
I walk up to some guy and flirt and stuff, like every normal girl. Cause I kinda am normal now   
  
that there are other slayers.But then again, no other slayer has ever loved Spike the way I do.   
  
No other slayer has had his heart either. No other slayer has had Spike die for them. no...oh God.  
  
I'm crying. Oh, make it stop! Make me stop!  
  
"Buffy? What's wrong? We saved the world? I mean, we're all free, you're free! No longer   
  
the number one slayer," Willow says, her voice is so full of concern. It only makes me cry harder.  
  
But how can she wonder? How the hell can anyone fucking wonder, what's wrong?  
  
"What's wrong? What's wrong? Are you people stupid or fucking stupid? Do you not realize that   
  
we have lost two people. Two people who matter! Anya! Xander, Anya! We lost Anya. Now you guys   
  
can't have your second chance! And tell me, how many other women do you think will go for some guy   
  
with one eye?" I scream, knowing that that hurt, but I'm on a tirade. No stopping me now."Anya!   
  
Who's gunna state her mind, say things that shouldn't be said? Sure sometimes I wanted to kick her,   
  
but still.... God!... And then Spike!"   
  
"Good riddance," Xander says. Is he trying to piss me off?  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Xander! Do you not realize what he's done? He has saved not only yours and   
  
my ass and a over a billion other people's asses as well! And all you can say is good riddance?   
  
My life is ruined. Sure, I can function, sure I'm almost normal. But who am I gunna be normal with?  
  
You guys have lives, I can't expect you to stay with me 24/7. But Spike would've. Sure, I wanna   
  
shop! But who is going to be there when I come home, welcoming me with open arms?   
  
Whose going to dance with me in the clubs, and hold me during the slow songs? Who am I going to   
  
kiss goodnight? Who is going to say bye to me when I go to work? Who am I going to love? Who?"I   
  
stop. I need to breathe. Suddenly, a feeling of complete and total grief and despair overtakes  
  
my entire being.  
  
"I can't do this, I can't take this...Where do I go from here? Guys? Where?" I say weakly.  
  
I finish screaming, and cry. What else am I supposed to do? I feel nothing but a heart wrenching   
  
pain.   
  
Can it ever be healed? 


End file.
